please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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