I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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