Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
