Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
