Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
