What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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