I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
