When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
