Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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