I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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