Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
