Please, let me fuck your mom
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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