Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
