dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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