Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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