Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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