1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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