i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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