Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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