I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
