why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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