Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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