Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
