dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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