pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
