I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
