My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
