Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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