so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
