she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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