there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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