she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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