I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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