I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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