I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
