Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
