I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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