Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize