Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
