i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
