Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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