i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My feet surprised me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize