i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
