He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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