i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
