Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I need a burrito and a hug.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
