Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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