we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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