She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
