Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
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