My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
