New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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