you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize