dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
