I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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