she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
