I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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