i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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