am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
