dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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