sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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