She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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