Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
