Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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