I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
