I will die if light touches me.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
